Meeting the Enemy

Actually, I realized yesterday during lunch that I am teetering on becoming schizophrenic. Maybe not a full blown case, but certainly some signs are there. Let me explain.

In the spirit of taking better care of myself in order to stand firm against the progression of MS, I decided to drink a nutrition shake every day. In theory this can be seen as a positive move. I’ve been doing this now for about a week every day. The stuff is tasty so it’s no great hardship to take it. Unfortunately, my trouble lies in the delusion that I can drink the shake while munching on an apple-cider donut and all the while think this combination is OK.

So maybe I don’t have the other symptoms associated with schizophrenia like paranoia and hallucinations, but I am dangerously close to disordered actions. I can’t be the only one who does this, though. Even unbelievers would understand St. Paul when he complains,  “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate to do I do.” (Romans 7:15) It’s a roundabout way of saying, “Dang it. Now why did I do that? What a chump I am.” Clearly, I would not have been asked to contribute anything of a moral teaching had I been around in those days.

So, when I’m eating a bag of chips I can justify the high salt content by rationalizing that I am on high-blood pressure pills anyway, so it should cancel out. Right? That donut consumption is canceled out by the nutrition shake. I can justify anything. My nightly ice cream cone helps cool my body and guard it against overheating. Of course, it may be -5 outside my window but my justification lives on. I can eat a mouthful of M & M peanuts and think, well that healthy nut has only a little chocolate covering it. Nuts are good for you, right? It’s not like I’m eating purely solid chocolate M & Ms. That would be silly.

Sigh. This whole essay is making me depressed. I feel like my good intentions are being sabotaged by an enemy. Oh, geez. I have met the enemy and it is I. Dang.




3 Comments (+add yours?)

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    May 02, 2014 @ 11:29:47

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