Wide-awake Fantasies

Have you ever noticed how your thought processes work when you are the only one awake in the middle of the night? By that I mean either bad thoughts magnify or hopeful ones seem possible in reality. If we are fearful, the long hours feed into that fear until we feel all is lost. If positive-minded, nothing is impossible to achieve on the next day’s agenda.

Dealing with MS has provided me with countless hours of unwanted deep thought when I should be dreaming of George Clooney stopping by for coffee.  Sleeplessness is a common complaint with MSers. If all I am experiencing is being wide awake, my thinking is generally good. I plan to get up in the morning and do countless tasks I’ve been putting off. (Side note: These tasks are put off because once I arise in the morning, all my ambitious thoughts of the night before evaporate like so many bubbles down the drain.)

Conversely, if I am awake because of leg spasms, or because I need to use the bathroom for the third time that night, my awake-ness devolves into the dreaded “What is to become of me?” mindset. The longer the awake time is, the blacker my mood becomes. Then, miraculously, the dawn arrives, I’m up out of bed, the sun is shining, the birds are at the feeder, and all’s right with the world. I go about my day, and confidently deal with the challenges put before me.

I’m not sure if there is a clinical name for this, but if I look hard enough for it on the Internet, somebody probably has done research on this daytime/nighttime phenomenon. I haven’t nosed around myself just yet because I’m afraid if I find out that no one else’s mind works this way, it would be one more thing I will think about at night. Sigh.




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