Mastering Fear?

My experiment of last week met with mixed results. In seven days, I managed to walk the length of my hallway just twice. The first time I did fairly well. The next day I forgot to carry my phone and remembered it half way through and barely made it back to the chair. I got so anxious thinking I might fall and have no way to get help. I gave my nerves a rest the next day. The day after that my husband was out of state so I didn’t do anything that might put me jeopardy. The days after that I just gave up.

Which brings me to fear and MS. I never used to be a fearful person but now it seems my life is governed by it. At the times I do conquer it, I am so darn proud of myself. Unfortunately, I have to really work at making those times come around.

I’m fearful of falling, of not making it to the bathroom in time, of getting sick and spiking a fever which sends my body into paralysis. I’m afraid of losing my eyesight again which was the first exacerbation I had and fortunately was restored. I’m afraid my house, which can only be partially made handicap accessible (it’s a raised ranch), will not work if I become 100% wheelchair bound. I’m even worried I’ll run over the cat’s tail again with said wheelchair!! It seems I am always living with the sense of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

My husband was trying to be insightful one day when he told me, “Look, you didn’t ask for this. It’s not your fault. It is what it is.” I know he was trying to help but all I thought was, “Yeah. It is what it is, but what if…?” I wisely kept that thought to myself so he didn’t think I was getting paranoid. Come to think of it, it’s too late. I’m already there. Yikes!


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